


The Awkward Police

by LozisLaw



Category: South Park
Genre: Ah- The Stages of Denial and Ignoring The Obvious, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkward Tension, Coming Out, Did I mention awkward?, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Science Experiments, Secret Crush, Sexual Experimentation, Teenage Dorks, with their dicks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:47:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28788207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LozisLaw/pseuds/LozisLaw
Summary: Fuck, Stan was just bringing him here to tell him they can’t be friends anymore, and he doesn’t want Kyle staring at him like he’s a piece of cake.And he swore, it was only one time he did that.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Those troubling times I find myself encumbered with boredom with my continuing fics, I start anew. 
> 
> It’s why nothing is done~

Kyle thought he might be gay.

But he wasn’t sure.

The suspicion first made its concrete block steps in his mind when Kyle was thirteen. The stray random inklings of the idea appeared here and there since he was ten. He’d never paid them much attention.

Always thinking; _‘It’s okay, I’m still young, I’ll know when I’m older. It’s too early to worry about it. Chill the fuck out.’_

And then he did get older, and he was still confused and conflicted and confounded and every other ‘c’ word to describe his questioning. And no closer to figuring it out.

At a certain point he had to wonder if it was getting too late. Like- Kyle was gonna be fourteen this year, most kids tended to figure it out by then. Most kids on television anyway.

But- maybe he was just straight. He also heard straight guys questioned their sexuality, but at the end of the day were still straight. He’d never like- looked at guys in a different way. So he was straight right?

But then again. He’d never looked at girls in a way he might be supposed to. So he’s?

Confused.

Very confused.

Kyle had to put up with this torturous cycle of useless confusion that got him nowhere, every day. Every fucking day he felt like he was going in a loop, and nothing changed or got better.

And who the fuck could he talk to about it? Fucking Ike?

Kenny? Stan? 

Ha, don’t be ridiculous.

Suddenly Ike seemed like a better option.

But then, looking across at Ike from the breakfast table, and watching his brother slurp down cereal with his face glued to his unwashed phone, suddenly felt like a desperate option he wasn’t sure he should resort to.

‘’Ahem- uh, _Ike_ ,’’ Kyle started, wondering why the fuck he opened his stupid mouth. These days it was hard to tell what his brain was thinking when it put him in these situations.

‘’Hm?’’ Ike didn’t even look up, barely awake to place Kyle speaking to him.

‘’Do you have a girlfriend?’’ Kyle asked, fiddling with his spoon.

‘’Yeah- bro, mm. What?’’ Ike dralled, rubbing his eyes.

‘’Do you have a girlfriend?’’ Kyle repeated. Ike finally looked up, raising his eyebrows.

‘’Um, no. Why do you ask?’’ Ike’s sudden sceptical gaze tried to disarm him, but Kyle was used to that.

‘’Just- curious,’’ he had to be careful about what he said here, or he’d never stop dying inside. ‘’So… you interested in any girls?’’

‘’What do you care?’’ Ike asked, putting down his phone. ‘’Are you?’’

‘’Well, not exactly,’’ Kyle realised he had no way of saying this without sounding like a complete dumbass. ‘’But- you know. Just like- wondering what you find attractive in girls I guess.’’ He decided to go with this safe approach for now.

‘’Very strange Kyle,’’ Ike observed, suddenly adopting a clinical expression. His brother had always been too smart for his own good. ‘’Your sudden interest in my sexual preferences in females is very- interesting. What’s sparked it dear brother?’’

Kyle was aware Ike was being a condescending little shit, and the fact he was only nine was kind of emasculating. ‘’Nothing dude! I just- you know, we never really talk about it. What- does it for you, I guess.’’

Ike stared at his now bright red face, probably already aware.

‘’Hm, okay. Well, I’m a bit of a stereotype, I like the traditional older blonde chicks with model faces and a hot fashion sense. What’s this actually about? Surely you don’t give a crap who I wanna fuck.’’

‘’Surely you don’t wanna fuck anyone yet right?’’ Kyle panicked. Not wanting a repeat of last time, he was unsure whether he should start to get concerned.

‘’Eh, it’s not my main priority,’’ Ike grinned, and Kyle rolled his eyes.

‘’Okay well, you know. I’ve just been curious what other guys find attractive- in girls.’’

‘’Well, of course I’m only one person. It’s not a proper study. Ask Stan or something what he likes and compare.’’

The mere name; _Stan_ , was enough to cause a hard flush that spread to his fingers. He couldn’t tell Stan. It was too embarrassing, and yeah, he was his best friend. But there were certain lines that felt a little too tender to cross.

‘’Maybe,’’ Kyle said, pretty sure he was done discussing his questioning sexuality with his _nine year old brother_.

‘’You two tell each other everything. Stan will know how to solve your _curiosity_ ,’’ snorting, Ike stood up and collected his bowl and left the breakfast table. Leaving Kyle to wallow and be no more satiated in his confusion.

At school, Kyle kept wondering about it. He didn’t particularly like blonde chicks like Ike did, Bebe had kind of ruined him on that hair colour. But- that didn’t make him gay right? He just had preferences.

But then- did he like blonde guys? Kyle glanced at Kenny where he stood at his locker, laughing at something Butters said.

Kenny was handsome in his own right, Kyle didn’t have to be gay to know that. Everyone else agreed- okay? He was a sought after hottie at this school, even despite his ragamuffin unclean appearance. Maybe even because of it. But the hair, it was pretty golden, kind of greasy looking from where Kyle stood. He imagined a scenario where Kenny was pinning him down against a locker, licking his neck while Kyle put his face in his dirty hair.

Now Kyle had thought about this before. Then he saw Kenny smile with teeth, and _oh yeah._ That’s why he never continued to consider it.

Make fun of him all you want, but he knew he’d never get used to teeth that weren’t clean and near perfect.

And then Butters. No thought was required at all. The goody boy made him feel sickly, and a little disgusted. Any sexual scenario with him made Kyle wanna take a shower to wash off the weird.

Okay, so he didn’t wanna fuck either of them. So he’s straight!

A sudden nudge on his arm; Stan appeared beside him.

‘’Hey dude. Did you hear about the science teacher? He’s been hospitalised, so hopefully we’ll just get a free period today,’’ Stan said.

And Stan. Stan was-

Forgetting this pivotal error, Kyle went ahead and turned to smile at Stan. On the outside- he radiated only the easy joy of seeing his super best friend like it was the first time. But- oh, the inside. He couldn’t look at Stan when he was in this mood of studying himself. The mere idea of putting Stan in a scenario like he did with other kids in the class, was enough to spontaneously combust.

But fuck, he had to now. Okay okay, putting aside the humiliation of it actually happening; Stan was biting and sucking his ear, pressing their bodies together, here- anywhere, and dragging their hips to push together, whispering some shit in his ear that was supposed to make him hot.

_You like this body Kyle? Hmm? Wanna feel these big strong arms pick you up like a little football?_

Kyle found himself flushing wildly, staring at Stan like a dork caught masturbating in public. He wasn’t! But he just couldn’t have those scenarios with Stan, it didn’t work the same as the others. Confusion arrived easiest when it came to Stanley.

‘’You okay?’’ Stan looked at him oddly with that superior height. It was just a growth spurt, Kyle would catch up soon. He’d better anyway.

He did _NOT_ want Stan to pick him up like a football with those strong muscular arms. For the record.

‘’Yep, I’m fine. So what happened to that teacher?’’

His research could wait another day. Why the fuck not.

**

It was always a challenge to stop beating himself up for being so preoccupied by this. It’s not like it mattered _that_ much. He was thirteen, he wasn’t like, a middle-aged adult still waiting to get laid. He was fine, and those assuring words still applied: He’d figure it out when he’s older.

But what if he didn’t?

Kyle didn’t want to be the last guy in his class to do this stuff. He didn’t want to be called out as a dork for this. The class was ruthless about dating, and fucking, and anything do to do with anything. So he should just find a girlfriend for himself right?

Problem solved.

But he didn’t particularly like any girls in the class, and they didn’t like him. Shit.

‘’Hey Stan?’’ Kyle said. At their lockers again on a different day, though it may as well be the same old day. He had no idea what he was doing these days, but he was already one the last guys in the class to never have a proper girlfriend.

And wasn’t that bad? Soon people would start to notice. Soon the guys would start to notice, if they haven’t already. Fuck, maybe they have.

‘’Yeah?’’ Stan said, collecting books from his locker. Kyle stood awkwardly beside him, trying not to look as weird as he felt. He wasn’t usually like this, he swore.

‘’Uh- I need to get a girlfriend. Can you help me?’’

‘’What?’’ Stan shut his locker and boggled at Kyle. ‘’Girlfriend? Dude- _WHAT_?’’

‘’I know!’’ Kyle said defensively. ‘’It’s weird but, I just notice I’m like the only guy who’s been single this whole time. And- I want a change.’’ It was more because he needed to find out what he liked, and endlessly negotiating it in his head wasn’t working or helping. This had happened before, he needed hands on evidence. A girlfriend- in other words.

‘’I’m single too dude,’’ Stan reminded him.

‘’Yeah but- you’ve had girlfriends before.’’

‘’Just the one.’’

Wendy broke up with Stan last year for the final time, yelling that he was a homo or something and she wouldn’t tolerate it any longer. All the boys had laughed about it, including Stan. Because _haha_ , Stan wasn’t gay.

‘’Okay- but… Stan you’ve got to admit you’ve got more experience here than other people. Who do you want me to ask for help- Kenny?’’

‘’If you were looking for a fuck-buddy maybe,’’ Stan grinned, nudging Kyle to let him know he was joking. In reality Kyle was full aware Stan would be terribly hurt if he asked Kenny for help above his own best friend. Kyle could understand that hurt very easily.

‘’Seriously Stan- can you help me?’’

‘’I’m just confused why you want one. Girls suck ass- remember?’’ Stan said. Kyle did remember that, grimacing at that day. That day he was both forced into his first kiss and the deeply coded but solid concrete seed of confusion began in his head. It took awhile to start thinking about that seed at all.

‘’Well Stan, we’re not eight years old anymore,’’ Kyle said, giving Stan a meaningful look. Stan just stared back, raising his eyebrow. ‘’Ugh, just- c’mon,’’ Kyle pulled Stan along, red-faced.

‘’So are there any girls you’re interested in?’’ Stan asked as they walked through the halls.

‘’Um, not exactly- but. I wanna get out there and figure out what I like,’’ Kyle said. Stan snorted. ‘’What?’’ Kyle asked, annoyed.

‘’You haven’t done that already?’’ Stan asked with a smile.

‘’No! What- you have? Oh yeah, you like _Wendy_ ,’’ Kyle rolled his eyes.

‘’Dude, I’m not gonna help you if you’re gonna be a dick.’’

‘’Sorry,’’ Kyle grumbled.

‘’Okay but- I just meant before. You’ve dated lots of girls. Like- more than anyone in the class,’’ Stan pointed out.

‘’Huh? Not past the first date!’’ Kyle exclaimed, flushing. The way Stan said it felt incriminating somehow, and the way he didn’t seem to be taking this seriously annoyed Kyle. This was super goddamn serious dammit.

‘’I’m just saying. They were all kinda different in a way. Soo- which one did you like best?’’

‘’That’s a douchey thing to be comparing,’’ Kyle said. ‘’Why- which one did you like best _Stan_?’’

‘’Honestly?’’ Stan asked. ‘’Probably Nichole.’’

‘’Really?’’

‘’She’s cool. Can you blame me?’’

‘’Not really. But she’s not interested now, so it’s irrelevant,’’ Nichole broke up with Token in seventh grade, and has been living confidently as a single girl ever since, as she tells Kyle when they play basketball together in the afternoons Stan is busy with football training. Token had been sad when it happened, and soon after Wendy broke up with Stan for the umpteenth time before they broke up for good, and dated Token. And of course, Token was single again now. Complicated shit.

‘’Have you ever had a crush on any other girls- that didn’t date you a little? As far as you’ve told me, you’ve went somewhere with all your crushes in the past,’’ Stan said.

‘’Uhh, I haven’t really been into anyone since then, to be honest,’’ Kyle said awkwardly, glancing at Stan.

‘’No? Okay, well I guess we’ve been in the same class as everyone since preschool. But maybe there’s a girl you never really paid attention to before,’’ Stan suggested. ‘’What’s something consistent you like in people’s look or personality? Something you’ve noticed.’’

‘’Well,’’ Kyle thought about his past interests. ‘’I suppose black hair has been a theme- with Nichole and Leslie.’’

‘’Oh yeah!’’ Stan beamed, and Kyle looked at him. Shit. Stan had black hair, he wasn’t even thinking about it. ‘’We can find you one with black hair if that’s what you’re into.’’

‘’ _Hah_ , okay,’’ Kyle was forced to avoid eye contact with Stan, who seemed thankfully oblivious to the implications Kyle hadn’t even considered. Meanwhile, Kyle was so fucking flushed right now.

‘’Ooh! What about Jenny?’’ Stan pointed out, subtly nodding to a group of girls talking, and a black-haired Jenny Simmons giggling with Lola.

‘’Uh, isn’t she the girl who crapped her pants in front of the class in fourth grade?’’ Kyle asked, wrinkling his nose.

‘’Oh come on, that was ages ago. She’s pretty cute though right?’’

‘’Ugh, just- find another,’’ Kyle said, not interested in getting into it again.

‘’You’re so fussy,’’ Stan smiled. Kyle punched his arm. _‘’Ow.’’_

‘’Asshole, would you date her?’’

‘’Nah, she’s not really my type,’’ Stan said, glancing at back at her.

‘’Oh, the black hair wasn’t enough for you?’’

‘’Now you’re the one being the asshole,’’ Stan grinned at him. ‘’No, she just doesn’t have the personality I like. Like- smart, and strong, and passionate I guess.’’

‘’No way,’’ Kyle was shocked. ‘’You’re still into Wendy aren’t you?’’

‘’Dude! No way, that can- mean anyone,’’ Stan scoffed.

‘’ _Riiight_.’’

‘’Fine, then if you don’t need my help looking for some girlfriend you don’t even like,’’ Stan said, pouting.

‘’Oh don’t be like that dude. I do need you!’’ Kyle said, pulling on Stan’s arm.

‘’Okay then. Well, going off the black hair thing, which is the only clue you’ll give me. Uhh, Theresa?’’

‘’Theresa? Fuck no, the poor girl wears a vest and thinks it’s fashionable.’’

‘’Seriously? That might be the gayest thing you’ve said to me,’’ Stan snickered.

‘’Shut up,’’ Kyle bled red. ‘’You’ve like- worn fishnet singlets and called people _silly gooses_ even when it wasn’t cool.’’

Stan just laughed, obviously nowhere near as bothered about the potential of looking gay. Oh right, because he wasn’t constantly questioning his sexuality every minute of the day like Kyle was.

How about Ester?’’ Stan suggested.

‘’Ester?’’ Kyle had never spoken to Ester beyond simple casualties, but he supposed she was kind of hot.

‘’Well, she’s single right now after all. Let’s go ask Bebe if she’s interested,’’ Stan said.

‘’What? Stan- no!’’ Kyle said. ‘’I don’t wanna just go up and do it.’’

‘’Well, you asked for my help Ky,’’ Stan said to him. ‘’And this is how men get things done!’’

‘’Oh fuck,’’ Kyle said as Stan dragged him along to find Bebe. He really didn’t think it would happen so fast. Stan was suddenly really taking this on board. It kind of creeped Kyle out.

It was weird how determined Stan suddenly seemed to make Kyle succeed at this. Kyle had literally wanted something to help him figure out this stuff, and suddenly here Stan was arranging his marriage like a Jewish mother.

The intensely embarrassing reality that he realised that his _best friend_ was basically holding his hand to ask out a chick, was enough to forget about it completely.

‘’Um- I don’t think this is a good idea,’’ Kyle suddenly stopped Stan before they approached Bebe, who hadn’t noticed them in the hallway yet.

‘’Huh- why not? You wanna get laid right?’’ Stan asked.

‘’ _Laid_? Ha- no, what,’’ Kyle squawked. ‘’Dude, I’m thirteen. I just don’t wanna look like a loser to the class.’’

‘’Is that seriously only why you want one?’’ Stan asked sceptically. ‘’C’mon, who gives a crap.’’

‘’Easy for you to say. You’ve got girls salivating for your dick. It’s attractive for people like you to stay single. Not for me.’’

‘’Why not you?’’ Stan asked. ‘’I think you’re a catch.’’

‘’Fucker,’’ Kyle shoved his shoulder feebly, taken off guard.

‘’No really. I think if you made it clearer, girls would be interested. But- Kyle, if you don’t wanna like- date them for the perks, just so the class sees you. Why do it?’’

‘’I just- have to,’’ Kyle said. ‘’I need to know.’’

‘’Know what?’’

‘’Ughh,’’ Kyle groaned, holding his face. He could tell Stan was frowning at him, looking perplexed like he could hardly figure this nutjob out sometimes.

‘’C’mon,’’ Stan dragged him again, over to a quieter area in the halls less people crowded around. Once in the frame of a music room, hiding behind a fat locker, Stan forced Kyle’s hands down to look at him. ‘’What’s this really about? You’ve never yearned for a girlfriend like this before.’’

_‘’Yearned?’’_

‘’You know what I mean Kyle.’’

‘’I-I can’t say,’’ Kyle said, glancing around. The few students that passed hardly seemed to care, not that it mattered. He couldn’t tell Stan this shit. Especially after that black-hair humiliation. He’d get the wrong idea.

‘’Please tell me Kyle. I know everything about you- right?’’ Stan said, looking sad but hopeful. It was alarmingly disarming- which was a bad thing! This motherfucker probably knew how to work Kyle like a charm by now, and Kyle had to tell him now.

‘’Because- _because I think I might be GAY Stan!_ ’’ Kyle just went and whisper shouted, now positively beet red all over. Even his fucking back felt hot. Stan’s eyes expanded like saucers.

‘’Oh shit- really?’’

‘ _’I don’t know!_ ’’ Kyle couldn’t stop whisper shouting. ‘’I just thought- if I got a girlfriend it could help me figure it out.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Stan said, eyes still big. ‘’Well- well _Kyle_. that doesn’t make much sense. If you really wanted to know, it would make more sense to date a guy right?’’

‘’Huh?’’ Kyle’s humiliation was too overwhelming to really take in what Stan was saying, and the fact that he seemed to take it way less dramatically than Kyle imagined. Perhaps he’d been melodramatic himself about Stan’s reaction.

‘’I don’t know,’’ Stan rubbed his neck. ‘’Look- I need. I can’t think properly at school about this. Why don’t we continue after school at my house?’’

‘’Um, okay fine,’’ Kyle said, flustered and not thinking that clearly himself, ‘’And Stan- don’t tell anyone. I still don’t know.’’

‘’Of course dude, I would never,’’ Stan promised. ‘’Thanks for telling me.’’

Well fuck. He just told Stan he might be gay. _WELL_ fuck.

Fucking fabulous.

**

That afternoon, Stan and Kyle walked home together.

They didn’t speak about it. Seemingly under the silent agreement to not discuss it all until they were officially in Stan’s room. Which Kyle was quite okay with, it was embarrassing enough to say it, but he’d rather be in a relaxed environment to be able to make more than mortified shameful babbles, and Stan’s room gave him peace not even his own could.

He did wonder if Stan was thinking about it though. He hoped it wouldn’t change anything between them. It wouldn’t- surely. But maybe Stan was freaking out, finding Kyle weird. They were in a really good place these days, and Kyle didn’t want to fuck it up. Somehow- with Stan, the smallest issues just grew and threw them off balance. It happened a lot when they were younger, and probably would happen more later.

Kyle just needed Stan- his best friend, to stay just that. He couldn’t bear losing him to this dumb thing that might literally be nothing. Like- if Kyle was gay, he would have gotten a boner thinking about boys shoving him up roughly and expertly against lockers before- right? Absolutely, so he isn’t, and nothing has to be weird.

Stan won’t leave him and his _potentially_ gay ass to be alone.

By the time they got home, Kyle had worked himself into a mini panic, freaking out over what Stan might say, and breath hitching at every step they took closer to the bedroom.

Fuck, Stan was just bringing him here to tell him they can’t be friends anymore, and he doesn’t want Kyle staring at him like he’s a piece of cake. And he swore, it was only one time he did that.

Bypassing any lingering parents in the kitchen, they headed upstairs to the bedroom, and locked the door as usual once inside. Putting their bags down, Kyle realised he was basically doomed here. He was stuck, he had nowhere to escape without looking suspicious, so he’d have to confront this weird thing first, or they’d never move on.

It seemed Stan was just as both eagerly keen and mortified on the topic as Kyle, given they sat themselves on the bed and just stared, words and questions on their minds they couldn’t just go and speak. Stan pulled his shoes off, and Kyle followed, heart racing wild.

‘’So… when were you planning on telling me?’’ Stan finally broke the silence.

‘’Never- I don’t know. I’m still confused about it,’’ Kyle shrugged violently.

‘’How come I couldn’t know sooner? I could’ve helped you figure it out,’’ Stan said, sad eyes looming. Kyle scoffed.

‘’What? How could you help? Are you some kind of gay expert?’’

‘’Well,’’ Stan avoided Kyle’s eyes when they tried to dissect him. ‘’I’ve been- _questioning_ too.’’

‘’Ha- wait what?’’ Kyle thought maybe he misheard. ‘’ _Questioning?_ ’’

‘’It’s just-‘’ Stan rubbed his neck, finally looking Kyle in the eyes. Kyle boggled at this alarming news. ‘’We never talk about it either. But sometimes I just think- you know, maybe Wendy scared me off girls entirely.’’

‘’No- that’s. Really? _Really?_ ’’ Kyle tilted his head in confusion. ‘’You’re fucking with me. You- Stan, you think you’re gay?’’

‘’No!’’ Stan flushed bright red instantly. ‘’I don’t know- Kyle. I’m just saying, you know. I might have an idea what you mean. I haven’t been interested in anyone after Wendy dumped me.’’

‘’But- you know there’s a difference between being a sadsack pussy about a girl, and being attracted to _guys_ ,’’ Kyle just couldn’t actually make himself believe what he’s heard. He’d spent the better part of seventh grade convinced that Stan was the straightest heterosexual on the motherfucking planet. And now he was telling him he was what- _bicurious?_

‘’But I still have no idea. Kyle- I can hardly believe you just told me today that you’re the same,’’ Stan said, sitting forward.

‘’You’re just blowing my mind right now Stan,’’ Kyle admitted. ‘’Are you sure? Like- how do you know? Just because Wendy scared you off chicks?’’

‘’Uh no- that’s not, the only reason,’’ Stan went red, and Kyle took his queue to shut the fuck up. He didn’t know who would die first if Stan started describing what turned him on, but Kyle assumed he’d _definitely_ die first.

‘’Well- shit. What now?’’ Kyle said, touching his hot cheek and trying not to draw attention to it. They were both aware their faces were like candy apples, but nobody mentioned it.

‘’Um- well. You thought you might figure it out if you dated girls?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Yeah- uh,’’ Kyle’s brain was overloaded, now lost in the shuffle. ‘’That might be helpful- you know. To see if I like girls after all.’’

‘’You could be bisexual though,’’ Stan suggested. ‘’So testing on girls wouldn’t really work. So you’d have to face the music and try boys to know for sure.’’

‘’Oh- well, I guess,’’ Kyle had to look down now or he’d actually die this time, because Stan was staring at him with that laser beam intensity. ‘’I don’t know if I’m ready for that though- like who would we even test with?’’ Kyle wasn’t thinking straight, and he hoped Stan wasn’t talking about Kenny or something, which for some reason was the only person Kyle could come up with. He rubbed his fingers through a pinch on Stan’s sheets, avoiding eye contact.

‘’Kyle- we could maybe. Test with each other. If that wouldn’t be too- gay?’’ Stan suggested.

‘’What?’’ Kyle forced himself to look up again, pretending he hadn’t heard that. Of course he’d been thinking it- what else fucking option was there.

‘’Well- just. You know, it might help,’’ Stan said, wincing at Kyle when he stared.

‘’What are you saying- we kiss or something?’’ Kyle said, trying to pose it as disgust. The fucking word _kiss_ was agonising in his stomach, tickling and making him dizzy.

‘’No! That’s- well,’’ Stan kept glancing at Kyle to see if that’s really what he wanted. Kyle had no fucking idea, his stomach felt twisted. ‘’If you wanted. That is.’’

‘’I don’t know. Do you think it would help?’’

‘’Maybe- fuck dude. I don’t know. It’s the only thing I can think of right now. Let’s just try it, it could help.’’

‘’Are you being serious?’’ Kyle asked, half expecting Stan to burst out with; _‘Ha- gotcha. You really thought I wanted to kiss you? That I’m questioning myself at all? I got you so good.’_ The punchline of Kyle’s puberty.

‘’Yeah- well. I just don’t see much other options. Do you?’’

‘’No, I guess. But- Stan!’’ Kyle said, not sure what he was trying to say. _What if this fucks up our friendship? What if neither of us are actually gay, and it makes things weird? What if we are!- then what? Do you actually find me a catch? Or were you just saying that?_

‘’What! Kyle, it’s okay. Nothing will change between us,’’ Stan smiled, jostling his arm.

‘’Promise?’’

‘’Of course dude,’’ Stan said lowly, perhaps trying to sound seductive, or maybe he was just nervous. Kyle was nervous too, his fingers unable to keep still. He’d love to chew them right now, but he didn’t want Stan to see that. He had no idea what was happening.

But he’d kind of like to humour it.

They both moved closer on the bed, until their knees were touching. Kyle made himself look at Stan.

Stan was a pretty cute guy, all things considered. Staring at him close, he couldn’t deny it. He was pretty chased by girls too, maybe even more than Kenny. Being the best football player of their grade, even the teachers knew he’d get to high school and really make a splash as king of the court. Kyle knew he would, and every year their height changed, and Stan got taller and better looking, and Kyle stayed short and lately had been breaking out in acne. He hoped Stan wasn’t looking at it now, up close enough to notice.

Maybe Stan was gay but just not attracted to Kyle. Man that would be the ultimate fuck you from the universe.

‘’You ready?’’ Stan asked, his hand now on Kyle’s knee, the other one left up holding his forearm.

 _No._ ‘’Yes.’’ Only one way to find out. Or whatever.

They leaned in slowly, and Kyle felt every miniscule movement like a burn, and could they move in any slower?

But- oh. Stan pressed his lips against Kyle’s, and Kyle could fucking _feel_ his lips. They moved forward, closer in awkward twitches, kissing chastely, both their lips dry and cracked from the cold. Kyle put his hand on Stan’s shoulder, trying to feel better about this, more confident. He’d kissed girls, but suddenly felt like he had no fucking idea how to do this. Not with Stan- his best friend.

Reality hit him like a staggering tidal wave. _He was kissing his best friend after school on his bed._

It seemed to stop as soon as it started, and they released, kind of breathless, both blushing hard, checking each other’s eyes.

‘’So- that was,’’ Stan said, voice breaking.

‘’-Something,’’ Kyle finished for him. He had no idea. _He had NO idea._

‘’Um- did that solve anything for you?’’ Stan asked.

‘’I have no fucking idea Stan,’’ Kyle professed. Shit, what now? He was still in utter disbelief it happened, he hadn’t exactly been keeping track of whether he liked it or not at the time. Fuck.

‘’God- me neither,’’ Stan groaned, and put his head on Kyle’s shoulder. He started laughing under his breath, and in the pure awkwardness of the situation, there didn’t seem a much better thing to do.

‘’What the hell do we do now?’’ Kyle said, starting to join his nervously bottled up laughter- just a little. In a fucked up way where the pure chaos of their lives laid out before them was suddenly funny. He was just glad Stan didn’t freeze into an uncomfortable zone like Kyle feared. He still seemed himself, which was more relief than Kyle could have anticipated.

‘’I don’t know dude. Any pointers? How was it?’’ Stan asked, sitting up to look at him again.

‘’Kind of dry, to be honest,’’ Kyle said truthfully, and Stan broke a pent up snort, smiling.

‘’Well, since we got it out of the way. Wanna try again? Just in case.’’

‘’Seriously?’’ Kyle asked sceptically, chest fluttering as if to cast its agreement to that plan.

‘’Yeah- I mean. Might as well- at this point. Like practise,’’ Stan suggested, trying to look cool. Kyle was doing the same, pretending like his nerves wouldn’t engulf him completely.

‘’You wanna kiss me again?’’ his dastardly smile hid his utter fucking terror pounding his chest, freaking out over this and anticipating any moment Stan to throw up in disgust and shout at Kyle to leave him the fuck alone from now on. Stan wasn’t doing that though- just looked remarkably vulnerable where he sat on his knees on the bed, face bursting with pinkish colours. Kyle was left baffled by it.

‘’Kinda- I couldn’t really tell if I liked it or not. It was too quick,’’ Stan explained, again avoiding eye contact.

‘’Um- okay. Well, how about-‘’ Kyle scooted closer to Stan, no idea what he was doing, but Stan’s hopeful face encouraging him greatly- he decided to go for it.

Kyle placed himself essentially _on_ Stan, knees overlapping. He made sure it wasn’t too close, lest Stan get weirded out. It just made their faces severely close, and they couldn’t avoid eye contact now at all. Cheeks blazing, they lowered again, checking each other’s faces. Kyle tried to tell himself to focus and not waste it this time. This fucking thing won’t happen a third time, last chance.

Again, Stan made the move to press their lips together. Again, Kyle was left shocked and surprised like he couldn’t see it coming. Only this time, they didn’t release after a few seconds. Neither moved back, neither disconnected. Neither stopped.

Kyle maybe shot his eyes open at the point Stan opened his mouth a tiny bit to let his tongue lick Kyle’s bottom lip. Just a little, but it was enough to flip a switch, and oh well. Too late now.

Kyle grabbed Stan’s face and pulled him forward until they were essentially clashing faces, opening mouths sloppily like some kind of attempt to make-out. It hit him that they were making out, _holy shit_ they were making out.

It was messy, and really a pretty bad attempt at making out. Like the kind of kissing you’d imagine with your best friend whom you’d never expected would be kissing you- _ever._ If that’s something that can be imagined.

It was weird that Kyle expected Stan to be good at this. He was fine, but something clumsy with his manoeuvring tongue inside Kyle’s mouth just screamed amateur. And Kyle couldn’t fucking talk.

But he did consider that Stan had only ever kissed Wendy for experience. And they were famously known for how bad they were at kissing each other. Kyle used to get embarrassed about it- how he was associated with Stan-the-pair-of-barfing-lips when others made fun of him. He wasn’t vomiting now, or anything close to gagging. And Kyle didn’t know whether to be disappointed or encouraged by it.

He was also surprised by the saliva build up between them. He could feel it dribble down the side of his lips, which was kind of gross. Okay, now he had to think about it. Because this was the life or death test that would decide his sexuality.

So, he had to conduct it right? Stan kissed like he did homework. He got it in on time, but the build-up to do it was a mess, he stopped to play videogames every time he had to commit, and he never quite got the hang of an organised schedule.

Kyle, on the other hand, did. His own homework routine was pristine, perhaps some would suggest OCD, but he never had the anxious stress of due dates like Stan did. He used the same method he had since he was seven years old, which while some would say simple and boring, always got the job done and left the teachers satisfied and impressed. Read the homework guidelines on the bus ride home, go to his room after school with the small detour of a cookie break, and complete the homework so he could focus on his leisure of the afternoon. Unless he was helping Stan finish his late homework.

So…it could be said that Kyle also kissed like he did homework. Precise and on time, leaving people impressed and envious. Kyle liked to think he was a good kisser, because he liked to think he put in enough effort to leave the other party satisfied.

He really hoped Stan was impressed, because if he sucked at making out as well as being short and ugly, he’d be doomed in high school.

Though presently, Kyle wasn’t sure he could even conjure a thought about high school with the knowledge of that one afternoon where he sucked his best friend’s tongue into his mouth on a trial basis experiment.

 _Hah_ \- finally the blush arrived, apparently being caught late at the fucking bus stop, and spread itself across Kyle’s face like butter on toast, melting him. Stan’s arms were cinched tightly on Kyle’s shoulders, heavy and stiff like lead, not going anywhere. His knuckles had turned white. Stan’s eyes remained closed as they licked into each other harder.

It had been maybe- minutes? Kyle wasn’t keeping track. Finally, Stan was the one to release him, apparently the weirdness of how long they were at it peaked then. A line of dribble followed their disconnected mouths at the departure, and caught on Kyle’s now wet chin.

‘’So- yeah,’’ Stan said, breathlessly. Kyle wiped his chin with his sleeve, and watched Stan do the same.

‘’Um, yeah- so,’’ Kyle was stuck for words that didn’t scream awkward, but what else was new. Their faces were flushed, and Stan’s lips were fat and filled with blood. Kyle tried not to stare.

‘’Anything?’’ Stan asked. He meant whether Kyle felt any epiphanies of homosexuality in that venture. Kyle felt dumb in the head. He couldn’t help think Stan meant did he have a hard on.

Incidentally, he did not. But Kyle refused to look down at Stan’s lap, in case Stan did and their lives would officially be over. Who got hard from making out anyway?

‘’I don’t know,’’ Kyle shrugged honestly, pretty sure this debacle wasn’t good enough a test to decide his straightness. No, it obviously wasn’t. There were many things- much worse things, that could be tested to know for sure.

Not that he wanted to!

‘’Yeah- um. I think that one test might be an invalid way to know for sure,’’ Stan said.

‘’Hm?’’

‘’Well, you know kissing is all well and good. But it’s not sex. And I think that’s like- a clearer way to know. Cos you know, kissing guys and fucking them isn’t the same thing,’’ Stan said, blushing harder at every word. Kyle was left a little mind-fucked.

‘’What are you saying dude?’’ Kyle said, quietly horrified at certain implications he was making.

‘’No- no!’’ Stan amended, holding up his hands guiltily. ‘’I didn’t mean it like that. Only that, I don’t think we’re gonna get our answer this way.’’

‘’Was the kiss bad for you?’’ Kyle asked, curious to whether he did well.

‘’No dude,’’ but Stan’s face read otherwise. Kyle could always tell when Stan was full of shit. ‘’You?’’

‘’It was- good,’’ Kyle lied. Stan stared at him.

‘’Dude, you know I can tell when you’re lying. I know I’m a shitty kisser,’’ he laughed, rubbing his neck.

‘’It was wet,’’ Kyle laughed too, and Stan grinned. ‘’Now I can finally sympathise with Wendy.’’

‘’Fuck off,’’ Stan shoved him, and it was instant relief that settled the moment when they giggled.

‘’I guess we could get better at it,’’ Kyle said, breathing out air he didn’t realise he was holding and taking in this strange day.

Stan leant forward and kissed Kyle again.

Just a quick peck, dry and cute. Kyle blinked at the action. Stan looked guilty.

So you know, Kyle kissed him back to make it even.

‘’Jesus dude,’’ Stan said after they stared at each other for a long time, surprised at the odd progression of acts this afternoon. ‘’I guess it wasn’t so bad.’’


	2. Chapter 2

So…

Kyle supposed they were best friends that kissed sometimes.

That wasn’t gay.

Right?

It wasn’t exclusively agreed upon to happen. It just kind of- happened. Ever since that disastrous afternoon where they went on a foolhardy experiment, things changed.

Not in any particularly big or bad way. But obviously it wouldn’t be the same. Kyle tried to feel sad about it. Somehow, it didn’t seem to matter. They were close enough to do something like this without making a big drama about it. Kyle convinced himself of this on a daily basis.

He’d been doing this for about two months since their arrangement started. He could also tell that it wasn’t going unthought by either party. Sometimes in class, Kyle could feel Stan guiltily glancing his way every now and then. As if Kyle was about to stand up and announce to the class that they sometimes sucked face and apparently didn’t hate it enough to stop yet. Kyle would be just as mortified as Stan if anyone found out, before knowing for sure- you know. If they were actually gay.

The thing Kyle was actually worried about, was that he was coming to expect it. Whenever they spent the afternoon in each other’s rooms (the only place they allowed themselves to do it), Kyle couldn’t focus on playing video games, or doing his homework, or helping Stan with his. He could only think every time: _okay, when is Stan gonna suggest we start?_ Because it was always Stan who initiated it. Kyle was too chickenshit to be the one to say _dude? You wanna…?_

Kissing itself had improved tremendously since the first time. It seemed to get better every time they practised. _Practised_ , because that’s all it was. That’s obviously what they were doing, because after the first time it became clear that they both sucked ass at kissing. And imagine if he was gay, and having a boyfriend later; he’d be grateful for this experience.

Kyle couldn’t imagine ever having a boyfriend. Not with this thing going. It felt like they would either take this habit to their graves, or Stan would finally cut the cord when he finds his next girlfriend.

Kyle still refused to believe Stan was actually gay. He was happy to do this with him- trusted Stan with everything in his fibre, that this would be cherished and gratified. But Kyle still wouldn’t allow himself to accept that Stan was doing it any more than to confirm he liked girls, and was just enjoying a pair of lips that would let him kiss while he could. Kyle wasn’t sure he wasn’t doing the same to Stan, but- whatever.

It didn’t matter.

He didn’t account to realise it would also affect the way they acted around the guys. They used the convenient excuse of being hormonal and shit for acting weird, and so far no one cared enough to call their bullshit.

Kyle was probably only worried about Kenny. The boy’s nose was naturally attuned to scent sexual tension and awkwardness, and this particular period of puberty was his majesty ground. Kyle was shocked enough Kenny didn’t up and shout he was making out with a particular conspicuous friend on a daily basis, the second they made eye contact the next day. And Kyle had no intention of telling him. Maybe in fifty years they could laugh about it, Kyle still desperately alone, confused and sexless, Kenny an eight-time syphilis survivor. Stan would be married to a woman- long gone to take care of a pile of kids, in this scenario. He wouldn’t even remember that he used to kiss a boy that he called his SBF.

‘’Did you hear about Kevin?’’ Butters said at the cafeteria lunch table. It was one of those days Kyle was lacking particular motivation, the only thing getting him through the day was the little reminder to himself that today was one of the days Stan came over. And that meant the arrangement. ‘’They say he won’t be out of hospital for at least a week!’’

‘’What happened to him?’’ Stan asked, sitting directly opposite Kyle. Kyle was poking his food with a fork, not really paying attention.

‘’You didn’t _hear?_ ’’ Butters practically flapped his lips in flabbergast.

‘’Where the fuck have you been?’’ Cartman said. In that moment, Kyle happened to look up at the same moment Stan glanced at him, and they averted their eyes fast, guiltily.

‘’Nowhere, just- busy,’’ Stan excused.

‘’Kevin got beaten up by those high schoolers that hang around the parking lot. They chased him into the woods and he broke his arm running and tripped. Then they cornered him and made him try to pop it back in himself- like it was some dislocated shoulder. Apparently it was gruesome.’’

‘’Jesus Christ dude!’’ Stan exclaimed.

‘’That’s nothing,’’ Cartman scoffed. ‘’This one time- my mom’s boyfriend brought his hellhound to our house, and it like- gashed my arm open with its razor claws. I barely survived from the blood loss alone,’’ Cartman affected his voice to sound world weary- in that particularly annoying way.

‘’You piece of shit fatass!’’ Kyle scowled. ‘’His dog was just a puppy, it barely even scratched you!’’

‘’It did so!’’ Cartman sputtered. ‘’I’ve like- got a scar. Look!’’

Only Butters fell for it, getting up and walk across to inspect a scar that didn’t exist. Kyle rolled his eyes at their dumbassery, and accidently met eyes with Stan again. This time they didn’t avoid contact, but remained red-faced. Stan smiled, discreetly. Kyle suddenly felt like they were hiding a nuclear bomb with this secret.

‘’Did they say Kevin was gonna be okay?’’ Kenny asked, changing the subject. Cartman lost interest in proving his word to already gullible Butters, who was ooing at the size of the ‘scar’.

‘’Probably. I don’t know, who cares. What matters is that we stay the fuck away from those guys before it happens to us,’’ Cartman announced.

‘’Fellas- my parents won’t let me catch the bus anymore, so they pick me up from the parking lot. Where those guys hang out! What if they come for me next?’’ Butters gasped, eyes fearful.

‘’Want me to keep a look out for you after school?’’ Kenny offered.

‘’Oh- Kenny, I couldn’t ask you to do that,’’ Butters said.

‘’You didn’t ask. I offered,’’ Kenny smiled.

‘’Well- I wouldn’t want you to get hurt-‘’ Butters grabbed Kenny’s arm as though he would get beaten up that moment just for discussing it.

‘’I promise I won’t. It’s just to keep you safe- and you know. For confidence,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Oh- ah-‘’

‘’Can you fags get a fucking room. Cafeteria is for eating. Bedroom is for fucking,’’ Cartman said, bent down into his food again.

Kyle had been staring at Stan the whole time. Stan hadn’t moved his eyes either. Halfway through that exchange, Stan had placed his foot over Kyle’s under the table- casually. Kyle had to start chewing his nails at that point or he’d actually die this time. But he never removed his eyes from Stan’s.

‘’I have to go to the bathroom,’’ Stan said suddenly, standing up. He raised his eyebrows at Kyle, who got the message and flushed like a bitch. Stan left the table, and too lost to care for subtleties, Kyle followed.

‘’I need a drink of water,’’ Kyle excused, though the table wasn’t listening. Kenny was beating on Cartman for making fun of Butters. Kyle ducked out then.

He’d told himself not to get worked up. They’d never been this careless, but it had been getting harder lately.

Hurrying along to the nearest bathroom in the halls, Kyle entered carefully in case someone else was inside. He severely hoped there wasn’t. Weirdly no Stan either.

Kyle found out why when he moved towards the stalls and Stan opened the door to one slightly, waving Kyle inside anxiously. Kyle followed.

Two things were different this time, heavy in the air that Kyle could feel in his lungs it before the door even closed. One; obviously the location- they’d never been anywhere but the foot of one of their beds. Secondly; the thing that seemed to control Kyle in this moment and sweep him entirely off course. Unwavering desire.

Usually- they’d sit opposite each other like a peace summit and slowly move towards each other’s lips; a needle being sewn into a tiny button in a shirt, nervous and careful- and usually shaky. This time, it resembled more a helicopter on fire crashing into its landing base.

Literally. They crashed into each other, and Stan crushed Kyle back into the stall door, tongues already sloshing together into each other’s mouths like a fucking slip ‘n’ slide. Kyle moaned and fell back willingly, gripping Stan’s hair tightly.

What the fuck was wrong with him.

He was enjoying it- this whole thing. Whatever they were now, Kyle really liked it. Some people would say- that’s it! You’ve kissed a boy, you obviously like it: you’re gay!

But no. Kissing was- kissing. Like Stan said before- it rattled around his head for ages. It wasn’t sex. That would be the big hurdle.

Did- he want to do that with Stan?

_Shit._

Realising this was just his side of the internal debate- and Stan was going through the same thing, it seemed a good time to clarify the matter. Regaining their breath from the intensity, Kyle leant back and looked at Stan.

‘’This isn’t gay right?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Oh fuck no,’’ Stan assured him, because what was a casual make-out session between boys if it didn’t include constant denial of the obvious?

‘’Yeah- I thought so- but. Stan, we’re not in our bedrooms,’’ Kyle pointed out. Stan started to relax against him, hands on his shoulders loosening.

‘’Do we have to be?’’ Stan asked. ‘’I don’t know- I just. Wanted to.’’

‘’I know! Me too. It’s just not the way we agreed before- so,’’ Kyle was kind of asking if they could change the unspoken rules that had remained unbroken until now. But he didn’t have the balls to outright say it.

‘’Fuck dude,’’ Stan laughed, and he rest his head into the crook of Kyle’s neck. ‘’We had an agreement? I just thought you never really wanted to do it.’’

‘’Huh? I always want to!’’ Kyle argued.

‘’You just never- you know. _Initiated_. So- I thought you weren’t interested, or-‘’

‘’Let me show you how interested I am,’’ Kyle grinned. It was Stan’s scent in this gross but appropriate little space, giving him this out of nowhere confidence.

‘’Wha- _oh_!’’ Stan gasped as Kyle leant forward and licked Stan’s neck in slow deliberate strokes, tasting his skin. Bolstered by Stan’s eager encouragement, he made his way up his jaw, suckling with _ahh’s_ in response, and met with the lobe of Stan’s ear.

‘’Oh my god- _Kyle_ ,’’ Stan breathed, falling back.

‘’Shut up idiot,’’ Kyle shushed, grinning again when he found it made Stan shiver. Who knew- he might actually get the hang of this. ‘’You don’t want people hearing us.’’

‘’Yeah- no. Wow, have you been practising or something?’’ Stan asked, now leaning his hands back against the top of the toilet. Kyle snorted, a little flattered.

‘’Yeah- on you dick for brains,’’ Kyle said.

‘’We never really got this far though.’’

‘’No. But we could- if. You want, that is,’’ Kyle suggested, quietly hoping Stan wouldn’t be against going that little step further. There’s no harm in it- right?

‘’No no- yeah. We could,’’ Stan said, grabbing Kyle’s hat and slowly sliding it off. Kyle ignored the loss of protection for now. ‘’Are you still- confused?’’

‘’Um, yeah dude. Didn’t we say we couldn’t know for sure until like- we had sex. Not us!’’ Kyle hurried out, furiously red. ‘’I mean, in general.’’

‘’No, I know,’’ Stan was red too. ‘’So, it’s okay with you?’’

‘’Yeah- I mean. We may as well,’’ Kyle said. ‘’Being single and all.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Stan agreed, and Kyle took that opportunity to get back to Stan’s biteable earlobe.

‘’You know,’’ Stan said while Kyle curled his tongue around it and sucked the warm blush from his ear, pathetically happy. ‘’At some point- if it’s okay with you. We should- you know. Go further.’’

Kyle was a little preoccupied to properly take in what Stan was saying, moving back towards his lips. ‘’Go further?’’

‘’Yeah- like. Um- you know,’’ Stan’s eyes fell when Kyle moved backwards to look at him. Kyle was confused until he realised where Stan’s eyes fell, and the most obscene flush yet appeared on his cheeks.

‘’Oh,’’ Kyle’s voice suddenly felt broken, his throat tight.

‘’We don’t have to!’’ Stan hurried out, panicked.

‘’No- it’s. Okay, um,’’ Kyle’s chest fluctuated in a dangerously erratic way, but the thing to pin was that it reacted mostly positively. Holy shit. ‘’We- we can.’’

‘’Are you sure?’’ Stan asked, cautious if Kyle wasn’t ready or into it. He was, definitely, but the timing caught him so off guard.

‘’Well- not in the fucking boys bathroom,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Of course. You don’t have to do it though,’’ Stan said.

‘’No- I want to!’’ Kyle assured him. ‘’Do you?’’

‘’Sh’yeah,’’ Stan laughed nervously. ‘’It’s just like taking another step. Nothing- wrong with that.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Kyle agreed, fidgeting. ‘’Um- so. Should we- continue? Or-‘’ suddenly standing over Stan in pre-makeout stance in an unsanitary bathroom stall seemed weird. Stan kept his arm circled around Kyle’s waist.

‘’Oh- oh. Well, if you want,’’ Stan said. They seemed to have the monopoly on awkward encounters right now.

‘’Alright,’’ Kyle leant in slowly this time, back to being nervous and soft. It was a shame, they were better at this when they weren’t thinking about it. He couldn’t remember ever being more aware of his own lips moving back against Stan’s this cautiously.

‘’Wait!’’

Kyle leant back quickly again at a sudden realisation. ‘’Did you mean you wanna do that- go further, _this afternoon?_ ’’

‘’Oh-‘’ Stan’s glazed over eyes blinked back into consciousness. ‘’Well- I mean-‘’

‘’I mean- if you want to-‘’ Kyle started.

‘’Yeah, well. Only if you-‘’ Stan continued.

‘’-Wanted to that is- I mean,’’

‘’I think we could if um- you-‘’

‘’I think we could if you-‘’

‘’I think we should.’’

‘’I think we should.’’

‘’I think we will.’’

And there it was, faces blazing but certain. The nervousness gone, Kyle fell into Stan’s lap roughly, unsure but bolstered by the strong clumsy hands roaming his hair like motorbike handles. Their eyes met, breathing hard, and Kyle wondered if this was actually enough to know. His chest was thumping hard, thrilled and enthusiastic and telling him very clearly: _You like this. You fucking love it._

Even better came the unheard before electric jolts that shot up his spine when they pressed lips together, slipping out tongues leisurely. No longer desperately sloppy, or unpractised. Perhaps they’d finally cracked the gist of kissing, after months of awkward unclean practise.

Kyle became too distracted when Stan softly flicked his hips up- just a little. It was a minor thing, nothing grand or big. And yet Kyle still responded like a flash of waves hitting back, hard and flicking his own back down to meet them. Felt something along the lines of fantastic magic in the touch, light and tingly and incredible. And fuck- oh fuck-

A few light twitches and timed rocks of hips, and Kyle pretended to not notice a heavy shiver on Stan’s side and a sudden relaxed loose limbed grip, breath catching. And they didn’t mention when the same happened to Kyle.

They just kind of stared for a while. Kyle tried in vain to decipher Stan’s thoughts through his eyes, to no avail. Eventually he left Stan’s lap, wordless and completely passed mortified, and they guiltily snuck out of the bathroom- separately.

That afternoon felt a bit like a mess. Mostly inside Kyle’s pants, but also in his head. The afternoon went on with what they’d dazedly agreed in the bathroom. Not mentioning what happened _in_ the bathroom whatsoever.

What happened? Nothing. Exactly.

Kyle wasn’t sure he wanted to discuss the embarrassing moment in there either. They’d left the place with red faces and the unspoken fact of cold congealing come in their underwear. He couldn’t wait to change into a fresh pair of underwear when he got home- but then. Realising they’d basically agreed today they’d officially cross the line from platonic kissing to like- sexual stuff.

Holy fucking balls. What was he thinking?

Did Stan even know what he was saying at the time? Why would he wanna do anything like that with Kyle? Like, he was pretty sure crossing this line would pass the point of claiming _‘no homo’_. Because of course it did; it was sex.

Which they basically did in the bathroom stall. Oh _fuck._

He couldn’t very well think a solid thought that afternoon, and why did they have to plan it like this? He was a mess, unable to focus on schoolwork and unable to listen to anybody. He refused to look at Stan during this time or he’d lose his nerve for good. Although, the temptation to check if Stan looked useless right now too was nearly enough to risk it.

Nearly. He couldn’t make himself do it, because what kind of virginal idiot gets so flustered about this? He had to believe for both their sake’s that Stan knew what he was doing here, or they’d be blindly crashing into a downward trajectory to hell in a fucking speedboat.

It was by last period that Kyle was insecure in his own choices enough to strongly suspect everyone knew. They were all staring at the back of his head- judging him, knowing he rubbed himself down on Stan to completion. He finally glanced at Stan, unable to stand it any longer. Stan was looking to the front of the room, staring at nothing and holding his pen uncertainly as though deep in thought. His face was red.

Kyle forced himself to look away. 

That last period of class felt like it lasted eight hours, insufferably dull enough to leave him no option but to think about what he dreaded to come. There was nothing left of this; they’d agreed to break their unspoken rules- ones very important to keep. He couldn’t do this- oh why did Stan have to suggest this shit all those months ago? Kyle should have just forced himself to date fucking Ester and be done with it- put up with her annoying voice just so he’d never know this terrifying and incredible thing that only spelt out _bad_ in his head.

He was almost in a trance of his own anxiety by the time school ended, and the class bustled out like cattle escaping definite slaughter. Blank-minded, he was genuinely surprised when he looked up to find Stan in front of his desk, hoisting his backpack and hiding his sheer guilty terror behind shallow cool.

‘’You ready to go?’’ Stan asked.

Kyle focused on packing away his pens to avoid looking into Stan’s eyes and seeing more than he should. He couldn’t do this- but fake it right?

‘’Yep,’’ he answered curtly, taking longer than necessary. He couldn’t look too excited, he had to have some tact- at least pretend he was being cooler about this than Stan. Than he felt.

He should have expected the walk home to be excruciating. Every crunch of snow under their boots was another painful reminder of how horribly silent they were- thoughts and words bubbling in the air- but remaining stale with quiet.

Kyle wondered how long he could last in this space- choking with unspoken worries he refused to voice. He couldn’t bear hear Stan’s worries either, for that matter. On top of this awkwardness he went and incited on them, he would die to hear out loud that Stan’s concerns didn’t match his. Though of course they didn’t.

He remained an adamant believer that Stan was taking advantage of him somehow. He couldn’t be mad- Kyle was doing the same to him. A mutual advantage? Of course, that’s all it was in Stan’s mind.

Kyle just wished he could confidently think the same. It was really unhealthy to worry this much about shit on top of everything else at his age. His mom kept telling him he wasn’t even in the worst of it yet- and just wait until you’re sixteen bubbeh! Kyle hates the thought but strongly suspects it’ll be true.

Where would he be by then? Certainly not still in this foolhardy arrangement, that’s for sure. In fact, it might end this very afternoon, once Stan finally realises he’s fucking straight and dumps Kyle’s ass into the unbreakable friend zone of awkward. Kyle prepared himself for the certainty.

It was Kyle’s house tonight. He tried to feel good about this outcome- meaning if anyone had to leave suddenly- it would be Stan. Kyle couldn’t handle any walk of shames- not with this fragile mental state he balanced on eggshells in his brain.

They walked up into his room silently, Kyle extremely grateful his mother was out tonight in a PTA meeting. They could actually do this. They could actually do this.

They could actually fucking do this.

They both dropped their backpacks at Kyle’s door, closing and locking it. Kyle had to remember some of his breathing techniques to survive the regular kissing schedule- only this time it was the real deal.

Again, why did Stan have to goddamn mention it? Didn’t spontaneity exist anymore?

Not that Kyle would have preferred that chest-bursting element of surprise.

‘’So,’’ Kyle refused to turn and look at Stan when Stan mumbled this. He remained planted in the middle of the room, finding the shape of his fingernails suddenly extremely interesting, a pounding face. ‘’Should we?-‘’

Stan’s nervous mutter was discouraging, because if he didn’t have his head they’d both be screwed. Kyle had been hoping Stan would take the lead on this one.

‘’We don’t have to do this you know,’’ Kyle said, suddenly turning and deciding to give Stan an out while they had the chance. ‘’It’s probably not gonna do anything.’’

Stan stared at him, blinking a million thoughts in one sliver of a moment, then masking again.

‘’Don’t you want to?’’ Stan asked. Blood filled Kyle’s face, it was too hot in this room, even though the window was open and blowing in a cool breeze.

‘’Well, obviously I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t want to!’’ Kyle said too loudly, humiliated already. He should just cut this loose right now, to spare himself. Stan stared.

‘’I’m the one who suggested it- so obviously I want to as well.’’

‘’Well- okay then.’’

‘’Okay.’’

‘’Should we?’’ Again it was impossible to leave the awkwardness behind, and they were back at square fucking one.

‘’Yes- just. We’re not going to get anywhere until we do it right? So let’s just do it.’’

They both sat on the bed, facing opposite each other, the gap remaining open, both excruciating and a relief. Stan stared at Kyle, and Kyle stared back, tensing his hands on his open knees. Over the months of this arrangement, this had always been Kyle’s least favourite part.

‘’Should we ah-‘’

‘’What?’’ Kyle asked, stopping short of the kiss he was mustering to make.

‘’Um, like get consent and all that?’’

‘’Stan- for fucks sake. All we’ve been talking about is doing this,’’ Kyle groaned.

‘’Right, okay. Sorry.’’

Kyle nearly forgave him when Stan finally made a fucking move and planted his hand on Kyle’s knee, clasping it as he leaned in slowly, seriously. Kyle couldn’t help it; he swooned in response.

They just kissed for a while, working up their nerve in dry twitches and puckers. Time was irrelevant in these hours of the day, the calm safe darkness of his bedroom. It was hard to tell how long it took for them to grow wetter and deeper- Kyle was determined to concentrate on only the irreplaceable feeling of hope and emotion- certain it would be his downfall to not take this like it was- a miracle with an expiration date. It wouldn’t stay like this forever. They were starting high school next year.

Certainly, that sloppy tryst in the bathroom was a one off- Kyle was now in disbelief they had even been capable of it, he can look back in shock- because that’s not him. That’s not something he would do.

Maybe Stan was infecting him- and this kissing disease was a slow grower, making its impact on Kyle’s actions. He was stupidly reckless, heady with feelings, and taunted by this goddamn thing that haunted him everywhere he went.

Kyle couldn’t imagine what Stan must be thinking at this moment in time. But then again, they were making out- and he was turning something he should enjoy into homework, yet again. Stan was likely focusing on the feeling like a normal guy, or wondering how the hell he could ever leave this insane arrangement. Or maybe Kyle was projecting.

Stan’s kissing was so much better- Kyle would be marvelling at how proud he is- if it wasn’t driving him fucking nuts. For a second, Kyle wondered if Stan betrayed him and found some practise with anything guy- or girl. But that’s ridiculous, all of Stan’s friends are Kyle’s friends, and they would never cross Kyle like that.

It probably was a girl. They’d never agreed to stay exclusive in- this. Kyle refused to believe Stan had actually picked up tips from their own little sessions. Kyle suddenly felt insecure he was doing a good job himself. Maybe if he was better at it, he might persuade Stan to stay in it longer. Because that was obviously the mission here- he might not be gay- but he liked this- really… _appreciated_ it. He didn’t want it to end.

Every time Stan licked into him a little, Kyle’s stomach responded very positively, a tiny excited eruption of thrill that threatened to pour into his attitude in an embarrassingly adoring way. They both had to look cool and unaffected here, or whatever would they do if they were actually honest? They’d slowly met in the middle of the gap of innocence; as Kyle liked to call it. Kyle’s legs overlapped Stan’s just enough for their enthusiasm to soar- mouthing at each other stronger and stronger until there was no word for it but _tonguing_.

Kyle was so fucking hard. It was insane, he was always so careful to not let it happen. Dead babies, cold kittens mewing in the snow, global warming. His go-to thoughts to train his dick away from arousal didn’t work this time. He just felt so- needy, and it was the most humiliating thing ever- also the scariest. They’d rubbed each other off in a disgusting toilet stall today- to completion. That meant, this inconvenient boner, was no longer _exactly_ inconvenient. Stan was doing this thing- every time Kyle touched his cheek, Stan nibbled his bottom lip. So Kyle touched his cheek a lot, growing more impatient every moment longer they delayed. He was itching to just climb into Stan’s lap and relieve this agonising but blissful need.

Remember, he thought boldly; this is for science. An experiment. Any feelings had are not the deciding factor- but merely a factor to be added to the log. Don’t freak the fuck out, you can really _really_ want this, without dooming your fate to the rainbow bus.

Just when Kyle finished concocted a plan to get them into dick-rubbing territory, about to enforce it, Stan gasped away from Kyle’s lips and blinked at him, breathing heavily like he’d run up a flight of stars. His face was as red as Kyle’s felt, which was comforting. But fuck comfort- he wants to fucking bone.

‘’Is something wrong?’’

Stan opened his mouth to speak, staring like he was hoping Kyle could just make it easier for both of them and read his mind. Kyle panicked for a second, letting go of the tight wanting grip on Stan’s shoulders. Stan grabbed them quickly before Kyle could retreat, as if to amend it. ‘’Let’s just do it.’’

‘’Huh?’’

To his utter surprise, Stan didn’t go into the _‘uh, um, I dunno’_ awkwardness again, and quite literally grabbed Kyle and flipped him onto the bed. They’d wrestled when they were younger, but this wasn’t like that. Kyle’s chest died happily in shock, confetti-ing in its demise as Stan pushed him down, held him there and kissed him hard like it was no science experiment- but like it was his goddamn right.

He had no clue where this confidence came from- Stan was always a little bitch about doing more, despite being the instigator every time. It was an ironic little twist they had to this contract. Kyle was certainly not against it, but oh-

He felt a hardness trapped and growing against his thigh, and it froze him up entirely.

Right, this is the real world. You can feel your best friend’s _dick_ on your leg, its fucking hard, and that’s your fault. He’s currently mouthing up your neck, oblivious and enjoying himself, probably, maybe. Fucking hell in holy shit balls- what the fuck are you doing?

And why is it- in the most hilariously obscene way, fun?

No, not fun. He’s never been more stressed and nervous in his life, but Stan is crushing his confetti chest, and maybe that’s enough to hold him together right now. Fuck.

He just wanted some kind of assurance that he could purposefully flick his hips up and also keep Stan in this weird but cool place of friendship they’d managed to find. But he knew that couldn’t last no matter what he did right. High school would come like a freight train and change it all, and maybe for the first time was more afraid of change than Stan was. It certainly meant the end of this- right?

No, of course it did. Stan had decided weeks ago he’d join the football club as a freshman. Not a single fucking locker room in the country would be cool with whatever the fuck is happening right now- and Stan wouldn’t want that evidence on his conscience. So it _would_ end- likely soon.

So, he- against his brain’s advice, went with his gut- and rolled his hips up and met with the sparking brilliance that was Stan’s own responding wave. Fuck the future- he liked this right now, and he’d take what he could get.

He hated that he felt like the pathetic sad sack here- but there was no use denying it. Stan was doing this for him, he was the tragic tale of the boy who couldn’t figure out what brand of snatch he liked.

‘’Stop freaking out dude,’’ Stan said out of nowhere, pausing his molestation on Kyle’s neck.

‘’I’m not freaking out,’’ Kyle scoffed unconvincingly.

‘’I can feel you everywhere right now. You’re like a dead nail- just relax.’’

‘’Fucking easy for you to say,’’ Kyle had no point here, just felt like he needed to sound like he was more on top of his emotions- which were really spilling out in drips anyway.

‘’Look- let’s just go with the flow-‘’

‘’That’s awfully hippie of you Stan.’’

Stan snorted and lifted himself up slightly to look back down on Kyle, who flushed as though they hadn’t been in this position for the last few minutes. How long had they been here this afternoon? It was lucky his mother hadn’t come home yet.

‘’Hey,’’ Stan forced Kyle to look into his eyes. That was unbearably hard- and everything so far had relied on him not doing that. Stan’s eyes took confessions out of him like it was nothing. He usually avoided them if he could. ‘’Look at me while we do it.’’

‘’Stan-‘’ he didn’t know what to say. _That’s so gay. Are you high? That’s too intimate- don’t you think? Dude? Again, you leave me so confused, but I keep coming back for more._

‘’If you focus too much on it- you’ll flake out. So just look at me,’’ Stan explained. It was a good idea in theory- but- his eyes.

‘’Are you sure?’’

‘’We have to know,’’ Stan said. ‘’Kissing’s- fine, it’s great. You know as well as I do that it means shit- so- let’s find out.’’

‘’Can we still be friends if we do this?’’ He needed to ask this from the beginning, but it’s been eating at him long enough. Stan widens his eyes.

‘’Of course dude- _ah_. No matter what, you’re mine- _ah_ , my best friend.’’

‘’Okay, g-good. Yeah-‘’

‘’It was bound to- _ung_ \- happen, but nothing has to- _fuck_ , change-‘’

They’d already started moving on each other while they spoke, at first accidentally but quickly unable to stop as soon as they made the first nervous brush, and quickly became bolstered and breathless. Kyle’s sight was tunnelled to Stan’s blue eyes- amazed and tiredly glassy, hitching in breath every time they moved that tiny inch. It was incredible, and Kyle was utterly hypnotised- quite positively looking at Stan’s face close up while they did this was the most dangerously dumb idea ever, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. He was caught in the web.

They both came quickly, fired up from the century of teasing licks, and the new but quickly sensational sex act- _sex act!_ Surely to be added into the regularly scheduled programming.

Kyle couldn’t give a crap about the dumb arrangement in those moments, coming down and out of breath like they actually had scaled a mountain, pulling each other up and finishing the quest. Kyle didn’t care- for the first time in months, about a stupid vaguely discussed agreement. He just laid in that web Stan made for him- staring up at his freshly pinked cheeks, somehow clearer eyes. Messy attractive hair.

It was just a hunch, but he had a feeling a normal person would be appreciating the dick rubbing more than Stan’s face. But here he was anyway, ignoring the come cooling in his underwear in favour of noticing; _huh, Stan’s got the tiniest hue of purple near his pupils._

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me if you choose :3](https://www.instagram.com/lozislaw/)


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